Sometimes I wonder how my life would have turned out If I hadn't turned down others when I became so blindsided by her. If I instead met up with Laura (gorgeous italiana) and didn't turn her down in tears when I told her I met someone else and fell madly in love. It was so heartbreaking to have to tell someone that you don't want them anymore, when they were thinking about you the whole time. But I felt better about myself for being truthful about my feelings and giving a clean break without dragging her around in circles. She understood and that was that, I didn't have a burden of guilt that I did her wrong. She was gone for awhile and I didn't know if I was going to hear from her again - what was I supposed to do? Someone else filled my days of happiness. But what if it was the other way around? If I went with her instead and ended up living with her in Italia. Would I have been heartbroken or would I still be there happy and in love?
Then there was Desiree - the southern belle. I had a kindergarten crush on her. She kind of reminded me of my high school crush, but a hotter version who wasn't playing mind games with me as Carly had. Although, Dez was always with someone else and then later on the time Sofia and I had our very first break up she was there. We were planning to go to Puerto Rico together. We talked almost everyday and for hours and hours of how we were going to finally meet. We were looking at tickets and making plans to where we'd see each other at the airport and places where we were gonna stay. All that changed when I got back with Sofia and I had to break the bad news to her. I felt bad, but I said the truth and she understood. What if I just went to Puerto Rico? Would I have been put through this situation?
Another person came into my world, Nikki. The sexy Latina. She was calling me on Skype and texting me and calling me everyday. She was cheering me up and making me laugh. She was awesome because she was helping me wake up in the mornings because I'd oversleep (Sofia was the one who used to do that for me). She listened to me pour my heart out on how hurt I was and she was just there. She said she wanted to come to Chicago when she had the money. When I got with my girl again, I told her and she was cool. She really respected our relationship and didn't want to do anything to piss my girl off because she knew my love for her. She still was there for me, as a friend.
Then there was Alexa Renae. The beautiful Brazilian girl who I was to meet up in NY. I think I met her while I was talking with Gio or maybe before? I can't remember the order. She commented my myspace (when it used to be cool) and asked if we were going to meet up. We talked on aim a lot and on the phone. When I got to NY we didn't get the chance to meet. Later on I was already in a relationship and flying back and forth from Chicago to UK and back 4 times that year. Then I get an email from her saying that she wished it was her that was making me smile. She said she was sorry for running away because she got scared. She probably thought I wouldn't meet her up again because we live in two different states. She probably realized if I'd go all the way to UK and back (to visit my amazingly beautiful Greek goddess) then I would have done the same and kept flying to meet her up in Virginia. She told me she wanted to have the chance to be with me. I told her that it was too bad that she didn't think of that earlier, that I was in love and very happy in my relationship and that even though we couldn't be together that I wanted her to still be my friend. What if I left Sofia for her when she asked me all these things? Would I have had a broken heart?
Lastly, the pretty polish or was she Russian girl, on the train every morning she would be smiling at me and staring each time she got on from her stop. I could feel that she was interested in me, sometimes she would say hello and she was looking directly at me. There were other people next to me as well, but it was definitely to me. I've come close to talking to her, but the next time I decided I was going to say something to her - I never saw her again. If I ever opened my mouth and talked to her, and gotten a chance with her - would I have been happy?
Or would I have ended up in the same position, but just a different person with my heart pulled out of my chest? I wish I could see how things could have turned out. But truly in my heart, all I knew was I was with the one who I would end up with forever. I don't think that I ever have any luck. I thought I was the luckiest person in the world. I was on top, I was invincible. I had it all. I wish I could turn back time and do things better. Fix things and unbreak my heart. Why oh why me?
Going Through Changes
It's hard to have strength when there's nothing to eat
And it's hard to eat when you don't have the teeth
And how, when you lose the one thing you love
There's nothing below and there's nothing above
And I've been going through changes
I've been going through changes [x2]
With nothing at all
It's hard to accept what you don't understand
And it's hard to launch without knowing how to land
And how, when it burns, you can't change a thing
You can soften the blow, but you can't stop the sting
And I've been going through changes
I've been going through changes [x2]
With nothing at all [x3]
I am still yours even if you're not mine
I stare at the floor and I study the lines
Oh I took my place at the back of the crowd
Baby I couldn't see, but at least it was loud
At least it was loud
And I've been going through changes [x3]
And I know that I needed changes
But not this, this is not painless
Oh no, this is not painless
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