What happens in Athens...

Obviously didn't stay in Athens, because that's when it all started when she left me. As much as I want to pretend and believe that she really, "didn't have service and she would wake her family up if we talked on the phone," was pretty much bullshit. I really did want to believe the lie, but I had evidence and everything fell into place making sense. Yet at the same time I couldn’t grasp it because I was in denial. What does a fat, ugly butch girl have over me? She’s pure fug or a damn grenade as the Jersey Shore calls it! I love the way you lie…

I don't miss you. I miss who I thought you were.

The thoughts again come back to my mind of what is my purpose on this planet. Everyday is just another day and time wasted of going all the way downtown for my job for no reason. I get up at the crack of dawn; the birds aren't even outside chirping yet. I get up the same time I used to get up to chat with my baby on Skype, since we live on two different time zones. Except she's not on Skype anymore waiting for me to talk with – well at least not waiting for me. So I go through my daily routine of getting ready so early in the morning to head out on my long train trip - and I'm not at all a morning person! My reason to trek from the burbs all the way to the city is pointless. (One of the plans was she was going to move from Greece to Chicago and we'd get a little apartment together by my job downtown). All it is now is just a big waste of time, but it really doesn't matter anymore since she doesn't really care anyways. Nothing really matters whatever it is I do. I have nothing. The love of my life left me and the sad fact is that what I knew all along was that I was never her first priority to begin with. While I dropped everything and everyone in my life to put her on a pedestal, sacrificed my part to do whatever it was to be with her. It was a red flag, that should have been the deal breaker but I was so blinded by love to even think that she'd leave me again. This time for good. I thought what we had was solid and nothing could break it. Doesn't the saying go, if you love someone, let them go? If they come back, they are yours forever? Well she came back to me, how come she's not mine to embrace forever? Being without her feels like an eternity of emptiness. What happened to all the things we planned and the promises she swore that she'd keep? Three years together, did I know her the way I thought I did? Or was I only seeing the side of her that I wanted to see?

How's Going to Be

I'm only pretty sure that

I can't take anymore

Before you take a swing

I wonder what are we fighting for

When I say out loud

I want to get out of this

I wonder is there anything

I'm going to miss

I wonder how it's going to be

When you don't know me

How's it going to be

When you're sure

I'm not there

How's it going to be

When there's no one there to talk to

Between you and me

Cause I don't care

How's it going to be

How's it going to be

Where we used to laugh

There's a shouting match

Sharp as a thumbnail scratch

A silence I can't ignore

Like the hammock by the

Doorway we spent time in swings empty

Don't see lightning like last fall

When it was always about to hit me

I wonder how's it going to be

When it goes down

How's it going to be

When you're not around

How's it going to be

When you found out there was nothing

Between you and me Cause I don't care

How's it going to be

And how's it going to be

When you don't know me anymore

And how's it going to be

Want to get myself back in again

The soft dive of oblivion

I want to taste the salt of your skin

The soft dive of oblivion oblivion

How's it going to be

When you don't know me anymore

How's it going to be

How's it going to be

How's it going to be

I never expected to feel the way I did about another person the way that I have about my ex fiancé. I thought I knew what love was before but it wasn’t until I met her, my life changed completely. I didn’t hold back how I felt; I was so comfortable within my own skin around her. I was on top of the world and nothing could get in my way. I would go to the moon and back to do anything and everything for her. And being a woman in love with another woman is looked down upon in my family, but I didn’t care if anyone was against it – she was the one that I wanted to make known to everyone that she was the keeper of my heart. I didn’t care if I was going to lose family members or friends because of who I loved. I was proud to be engaged to a beautiful, intelligent, Greek woman. Nothing was going to get in our way even if we were living on 2 sides of the world. I saved up as much money as I can and kept all my vacations to just be with my girl. I was broke, but it didn’t matter because I was rich in the heart. I didn’t have to have anything else, because having her in my life made me feel like I already had everything. I did.

Then one day I lost her. It sucks - the feeling of being replaced. It’s like everything that you have done meant nothing at all. It makes you wonder, if there is something wrong with yourself? You crawl into your empty place of feeling little, insecure and defeated. Questions ponder through your mind of your worth. You don’t feel like you amount to anything. The one, who you thought you knew, turns their back on you and you feel like everything was a lie and all you can think is that you have been used. Did they ever love you? I died. I closed myself off to the world and didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t eat at all and lost so much weight in a few days. All I did mostly was hiding under my blanket and slept, not wanting to do anything. I didn’t want to be bothered. This was a routine for the past 3 months and then the evitable happened. She came back.

We got back together and my life was complete again. I was living life again and happy that my love came back to me. It was a rocky year though; it wasn’t all butterflies and flowers because I couldn’t forget about the past circumstances. I admit that I did handle the situation wrong, and wish I knew better. When October came around things were feeling different, they didn’t seem right. It seems like the worst always happens during the months of October, November and December. She left to Athens to do a show and at the same time I felt she left me as well. I understand that there were problems with her family and being busy as a guest host on a popular TV station, but there was hardly any communication. My intuition sensed that things weren’t right. We got into a horrible argument and things ended badly. She left me again and I fell back into the darkness. I lost a whole lot of weight yet again. 4 months to this day that we have been broken up, I haven’t been able to function correctly. I feel lost and depressed. Everyone can give you all the advice they can, but things are so much easier sad than done. Now that I’m in a place that I have had my heart broken, I’m not able to see or think clearly. I just want to get the hell away from here because everything reminds me that I’m without her. I contemplate the worst ways of how to disappear. I can’t nor do I want to be here.

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]

When you cried

I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream

I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Being Low.

My eyes feel heavy yet again and they are constantly tearing. I seriously hate this feeling. I used to come in to work still being able to grin, even though I disliked my job a whole lot or if I was having a bad day – my lips was still beaming from ear to ear for no reason. Well there actually was a motive behind that smile, but it was just out of habit. People would be asking me what I was thinking that made me so happy. Now people look at me and ask me what’s wrong? And I just nod and say, "nothing". But really, under my breath I whispered, everything.

Everyday Is Like Sunday

Trudging slowly over wet sand

Back to the bench where your clothes were stolen

This is the coastal town that they forgot to close down

Armageddon, come

Armageddon, come, Armageddon, come

Everyday is like Sunday

Everyday is silent and gray

Hide on the promenade, etch a postcard

How I dearly wish I was not here

In the seaside town that they forgot to bomb

Come, come, come, nuclear bomb

Everyday is like Sunday

Everyday is silent and grey

Trudging back over pebbles and sand

And a strange dust lands on your hands

And on your face, on your face

On your face, on your face

Everyday is like Sunday

Win yourself a cheap tray

Share some greased tea with me

Everyday is silent and gray

Overlooked.

How do I treat people that I don’t care for or deal with? I ignore them or pretend I’m too busy or I have to go somewhere; I turn the cheek the other way. I make excuses so that I don’t feel like I’m hurting the other person’s feelings even though they have some kind of emotional attachment for me. I talk them because I’m bored; I don’t expect much more out of it but just a friendship when the other wants more. It’s kind of a bitchy thing to do right? So why do I put up with it? I question why I feel this way towards a certain someone when it's happening to me, at the same time I start to understand what's going on because I’ve done it myself. I’ve been doing it for the longest time. But now I’m on the receiving end. I hate that I love someone and instead of turning my head the other way – I put up with it because…what the fuck, I don’t know why I feel this way. Why is it so hard for me to walk away? Why can’t I just let it go like the others? Why can’t I block it out like it doesn’t matter? Why do I love you so fucking much? It’s so unfair. I hate myself!

"Hate That I Love You"

[Rihanna:]That's how much I love you

That's how much I need you

And I can't stand you

Must everything you do make me wanna smile

Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]But you won't let me

You upset me girl

And then you kiss my lips

All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)

Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]But I hate it...

You know exactly what to do

So that I can't stay mad at you

For too long that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]But I hate it...You know exactly how to touch

So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more

Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)

I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)

And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)

But I just can't let you go

And I hate that I love you so (oh..)

[Ne-Yo:]You completely know the power that you have

The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]Said it's not fair

How you take advantage of the fact

That I... love you beyond the reason why

And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]And I hate how much I love you girl

I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)

And I hate how much I love you girl

But I just can't let you go

But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me

And your kiss won't make me weak

But no one in this world knows me the way you know me

So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

[Ne-Yo:]Yeah... Oh...

[Rihanna:]That's how much I love you (as much as I need you)

That's how much I need you (oh..)

That's how much I love you (oh..)

As much as I need you

[Rihanna:]And I hate that I love you so

And I hate how much I love you boy

I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)

And I hate how much I love you boy

But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)

And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. so...

Heartless

I hate that I have a hard time holding in my tears. It happens every single day. I like when it rains because no one can tell I’m crying. I have a hard time hiding my emotions. My heart hurts so much day after day and I don’t know how to get rid of this pain. Does anyone need a heart, because I can donate it to someone else who needs it more than I do? It’s useless to me. I don’t want or need my heart anymore, it’s broken and I can’t fix it. At least if I give mine away it would make good use for someone else, who could make a difference in another person’s life. Obviously my attempt to share and give my heart to someone else doesn’t seem to matter anyway. People like to just try it out and whenever they feel something else better comes along they throw it away like its yesterdays news. “Extra, extra read all about it!” “Oh you already did…well the recycle bin is right beside you. The same thing just recycles itself so why should I undergo this all over again? Why should I open myself up to just get hurt? I put my wall back up and now it’s even higher than ever.

Heartless Lyrics

[Chorus]In the night, I hear 'em talk,the coldest story ever told

Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...

How could you be so heartless?

Oh... How could you be so heartless?

[Verse 1]How could you be so, cold as the winter wind when it breeze, yo

Just remember that you talkin' to me though

You need to watch the way you talkin' to me, yo

I mean after all the things that we've been through

I mean after all the things we got into

Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me

Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me

And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me

So you walk around like you don't know me

You got a new friend,I got homies

But in the end it's still so lonely

[Chorus]In the night, I hear 'em talk,the coldest story ever told

Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...

How could you be so heartless?

Oh... How could you be so heartless?

[Verse 2]How could you be so Dr. Evil, you bringin' out a side of me that I dont know...

I decided we weren't gon' speak so

Why we up 3 A.M. on the phone

Why does she be so mad at me fo'

Homie I dont know, she's hot and cold

I won't stop, won't mess my groove up

'Cause I already know how this thing go

You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me

They say that they don't see what you see in me

You wait a couple months then you gon' see

You'll never find nobody better than me

[Chorus]In the night, I hear 'em talk,the coldest story ever told

Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...

How could you be so heartless?

Oh... How could you be so heartless?

[Verse 3]Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk

Baby let's just knock it off

They don't know what we been through

They don't know 'bout me and you

So I got something new to see

And you just gon' keep hatin' me

And we just gon' be enemies

I know you can't believe

I could just leave it wrong

And you can't make it rightso

I'm gon' take off tonightInto the night....

[Chorus]In the night, I hear 'em talk,the coldest story ever told

Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...

How could you be so heartless?

Oh... How could you be so heartless?

Same shit, Different Day.

It makes me sad, seeing couples together in love everywhere. I just want to punch people in their faces. I was once sad because the one I loved didn’t live in the same time zone, but there was love and hope that one day we’d be together in each other’s arms forever and ever after. We still got to see each other but not as often as we would like. It would be months when I saw my love or a year, other than seeing my love through Skype – but it was better than how it is now. Now I have nothing. I know I don’t need to have another person to make me happy; I don’t need anyone to help me stand on my own. But to have the other half, to lean on to make you laugh and smile, to have a meaning to live for is always better than having nothing to look forward to except having that emptiness in your heart. Everybody knows that two heads are definitely better than one. It’s so hard to give your heart to someone when the last person you gave it to is still breaking it and won’t give it back. I thought if I met other people and look forward to someone else and seeing their face everyday it would make me stop wanting the other person. That isn’t the case at all, instead whenever I talked to another, or when I even looked at another…all I want in the whole wide world is to be with the one that my heart belongs to. I find it insanely difficult to believe how fast it all can disappear once again. How a person can come into your world and turn it upside down and then you’re left with where you began – alone. Same old shit, just different day.

"Just Another Day"

Morning alone

When you come home

I breath a little faster

Every time we're together

It'd never be the same

If you're not here

How can you stay away, away so long.

Why can't we stay together

Give me a reason

Give me a reason.

[Chorus]

I, I don't wanna say it

I don't wanna find another way

Make it through the day without you

It's just another day

Making the time

Find the right lines

What do I have to tell you

I'm just trying to hold on to something

(Trying to hold on to something good)

Give us a chance to make it.

Don't wanna hold on to neverI'm not that strong

I'm not that strong.

I, I don't wanna say it

I don't wanna find another way

Make it through the day without you

I, I can't resist

Trying to find exactly what I miss

It's just another day without you.

Why can't you stay forever

Just give me a reason

Give me a reason.

[Chorus repeats]

What a Fucking Wonderful World.

Valentine’s Day used to get me all giddy and happy inside, but this year I don’t even want to hear about it. The other day I was at the store getting all my necessities and on the way to pay at the cashier I passed the romance card section and I was ok until my cousin was trying to show me them. Well she opened the musical card and the Temptation’s song started playing Sugar Pie Honey Bunch and it just brought me down. My eyes started tearing and I couldn’t stand to be there any longer, I ran away as far from there as I can. I could see people staring at me and seeing my sad eyes cry. Even though I celebrated V-day alone for the last 2 years because it was a long distance relationship, I had someone who I loved and was able to send sweet things and know that I had their love in return. This time, I love the same person but that is as far as it will go because this time we aren’t a couple. One fucking sided love. Fuck Valentine’s Day; fuck the chocolate candies, the flowers, the hearts and all the love. A so-called friend said, “Fuck love, love sucks!” I never understood the meaning of that until I lost the one I love, the love of my life.

"I Miss You"

(I miss you, I miss you)

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare

The shadow in the background of the morgue

The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want

Where you can always find me

We'll have Halloween on Christmas

And in the night we'll wish this never ends

We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, I miss you)

(I miss you, I miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorryI cannot sleep

I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time

And as I stared I counted Webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides

Like indecision to call youand hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight

Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already

The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)

Don't waste your time on me you're already

The voice inside my head

(I miss you, I miss you)[x3]

(I miss you, I miss you) [x4]

Out of Order

I want to get lost, I want to go where I don’t have to feel anymore because I have felt this way once upon a time and I thought that it would never come back to haunt me again. What did I do to deserve this, it seems like nothing ever goes my way. I feel broken on so many levels that I don’t know what to do. How do you go from being happy one moment and then all of a sudden it slips away just like that? So tell me what to do, what do I have to live for? What is the point, when everything just falls into that same unwanted place? I know that things can’t go right all the time, but when will right ever come along?