I never expected to feel the way I did about another person the way that I have about my ex fiancé. I thought I knew what love was before but it wasn’t until I met her, my life changed completely. I didn’t hold back how I felt; I was so comfortable within my own skin around her. I was on top of the world and nothing could get in my way. I would go to the moon and back to do anything and everything for her. And being a woman in love with another woman is looked down upon in my family, but I didn’t care if anyone was against it – she was the one that I wanted to make known to everyone that she was the keeper of my heart. I didn’t care if I was going to lose family members or friends because of who I loved. I was proud to be engaged to a beautiful, intelligent, Greek woman. Nothing was going to get in our way even if we were living on 2 sides of the world. I saved up as much money as I can and kept all my vacations to just be with my girl. I was broke, but it didn’t matter because I was rich in the heart. I didn’t have to have anything else, because having her in my life made me feel like I already had everything. I did.

Then one day I lost her. It sucks - the feeling of being replaced. It’s like everything that you have done meant nothing at all. It makes you wonder, if there is something wrong with yourself? You crawl into your empty place of feeling little, insecure and defeated. Questions ponder through your mind of your worth. You don’t feel like you amount to anything. The one, who you thought you knew, turns their back on you and you feel like everything was a lie and all you can think is that you have been used. Did they ever love you? I died. I closed myself off to the world and didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t eat at all and lost so much weight in a few days. All I did mostly was hiding under my blanket and slept, not wanting to do anything. I didn’t want to be bothered. This was a routine for the past 3 months and then the evitable happened. She came back.

We got back together and my life was complete again. I was living life again and happy that my love came back to me. It was a rocky year though; it wasn’t all butterflies and flowers because I couldn’t forget about the past circumstances. I admit that I did handle the situation wrong, and wish I knew better. When October came around things were feeling different, they didn’t seem right. It seems like the worst always happens during the months of October, November and December. She left to Athens to do a show and at the same time I felt she left me as well. I understand that there were problems with her family and being busy as a guest host on a popular TV station, but there was hardly any communication. My intuition sensed that things weren’t right. We got into a horrible argument and things ended badly. She left me again and I fell back into the darkness. I lost a whole lot of weight yet again. 4 months to this day that we have been broken up, I haven’t been able to function correctly. I feel lost and depressed. Everyone can give you all the advice they can, but things are so much easier sad than done. Now that I’m in a place that I have had my heart broken, I’m not able to see or think clearly. I just want to get the hell away from here because everything reminds me that I’m without her. I contemplate the worst ways of how to disappear. I can’t nor do I want to be here.

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]

When you cried

I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream

I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

[Chorus]