The way we were

So I had a lot of time to think before I could write my thoughts since Wednesday the 18th, 2011. It took me awhile to write this, I know I've thought of a lot more about things that I can't fit everything on here. I've gone through a mix of emotions, since it was the first time that Sofia and I had talked since 2 months ago. I was shocked and pleased to hear from her. It was nice to talk with her without having to argue (happens in broken relationships). It felt good and it made me smile. I felt that things were cool with her and that we could now be civil.

In another way it was kind of weird talking to her, the one that I love, as just one person who used to be something and now just her ex (that very few people knew). Sometimes it's like, I didn't exist. I was her first, wished I was her last girl. I know that she loves someone else (I know Sofia). It hurts, but what can I do. Her heart didn't belong to me, it kept running somewhere else. If that's who she wants, I can't change it.

Of course hearing from her again will always have that warmth I feel about her in my heart. You can't just turn things off that easily when you love someone (well for me). There's always going to be that feeling in my heart, the little ache I have for Sofia. I know that her breaking my heart has changed me and I won't ever be the same. Sofia took a huge piece of my heart and I always will love her. Adele's 21 cd relates to our relationship.

I was talking to my friend about her and I and he asked how long we've been broken up. We were on the subject of relationships. I told him since October (fuck September - I just know). I said it was October (but it could have been before that - I was just oblivious to the signs). He said, "holy shit, it's been awhile, I thought it was shorter than that." (It doesn't seem that long ago).

He was telling me how hard it was for him to tell Shelly how he was feeling and having to break up with her. He said that she knew Aileen was in the picture, but she didn't know they were sleeping together. He said that she had a feeling but she didn't tell him, but he thinks she knew. I was like of course she knew, we have that intuition when there is something wrong and we just know and don't have to say anything at all. You just know.

He was explaining about how he couldn't have sex with Shelly, he tried and he couldn't feel it. He told her to get off and he just felt wrong about it (he didn't want her - he felt icky). When he said that, I had a flashback. I said so why did you cheat? He was explaining how it just happens. He says that you just start fooling around with a person and it's all fun until you start having emotions and things get complicated.

The girl he was with was even engaged to someone, but then she began to have feelings for him. That got me down. I said, "well when you told Shelly the truth did you at least feel better about yourself?" He said that he was so glad he got it off his chest, but it was just the hardest thing to look her in the eye because she was asking him why. I'm proud of him for being a man and admitting the truth. Our conversation ended when his agent called him.

Relationships are tough and when you think you know, you really don't know for sure. Tough part, anything can happen no matter how much you invest in a relationship. So I was cleaning out my room and found this postcard. The good 'ol days...the way we were.

The way we were

Mmm. Mmm.
Memories, light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories of the way we were.
Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
smiles we give to one another
for the way we were.
Can it be that it was all so simple then
or has time rewritten every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
tell me would we? Could we?

Memories, may be beautiful and yet
what's too painful to remember
we simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter we will remember
whenever we remember
the way we were.